There was this woman who was walking on the edge of a cliff and she slipped down the side and on the way down she manages to catch herself by grabbing onto a branch. This is in the heat of the day. The sun goes down and she is still there, clinging to this branch; her muscles aching and her body cramping. Her fingers start to tremble and she realizes the end is near and she prays. God tells her to “Let Go”. She doesn’t listen. She fights as long as she can and when the sun comes up, she looks down and sees the ground is a foot below her hanging feet. She let’s go.
A good friend of mine recently told me that story. He has seen me experience a lot of pain over the past few months which came to a climax last month. He has continuously told me to just let go of the pain as relief is within my grasp much as it was with the woman hanging on the branch. Letting go is a lot harder than it sounds and in the meantime it is just a mindfuck really.
Imagine you are planning your life one way and everything you do and every action is to help you reach a goal and all of the sudden that option that you held so dearly is gone. Not an option anymore. And there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it. You try to hold on because you have worked so hard for this and you see this goal as your only way to true happiness. One day, you catch a glimpse of it and you feel it may be reachable. Maybe you can have it after all! The next week the door is slammed in your face.. hard. All this time you’ve been wondering what happened.
You start by blaming yourself. You analyze the choices you made that resulted in this. You wonder what could have been if you would have made different choices. But does that really matter? Whats done is done.
Once you realize these events were out of control you really start to feel anger towards the thing or person that ruined it all for you.. at least that is how you see it. But for me, I couldn’t really get my anger out so I internalized it and just kind of shut down.
Not any more though. Since last month I have been taking great strides to really accept what has happened and just move on with my life. Yes, what could have been would have been awesome. But it’s not what will be and I am finally at a point where I am OK with that. I am getting on with my life. Instead of being the sad, depressed girl who just wants to stay home, I am getting out more. I am making myself do things that normally i wouldn’t do in a million years! Who decides to completely step out of their comfort zone and go to a party by themselves where they don’t know a single person. I met the host once at the gym and she told me about a get together so I went. It was awesome. I’ve gone out and done the girl’s night out things and had a blast. I’ve sent the kids to a baby sitter and have actually been on “dates”. For those who dont have kids anything without kids is considered a date. But, I’ll take it. I’m taking classes now and am seriously considering pursuing my MBA.
I am signed up to play soccer next month which I am really looking forward to. I am in a lot better shape then I was in the fall so I think things will go a lot smoother (read I shouldn’t die from a heart attack). I am just living again and having fun again. I am really just spending quality time with me and getting to know myself again and am finding i’m not half as bad as I have been letting myself feel. It’s crazy what something like that can do to your self-esteem, self-worthiness, and confidence. Even if it was out of your control! It really showed in my family life, my work, my friendships, etc. Which is why i needed to take my friends advice and just “Let Go”.
So, I’m getting on with it and am ready for the next chapter in my life. I no longer have a goal. I have no clue what will happen or what direction my life will take me and I’m ok with that.